


The Forest Calls

by mrsreeder



Category: The Thick of It (TV)
Genre: Don't mind the plot, Gen, This is probably really stupid, i can't write adult characters, i went haywire with stupid references
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-27
Updated: 2020-11-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:42:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27743188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mrsreeder/pseuds/mrsreeder
Summary: Nicola, Glenn and Ollie participate in a team building exercise. In the fucking forest.
Comments: 7
Kudos: 8





	The Forest Calls

**Author's Note:**

> This is probably utter nonsense, but I just had the idea and wanted to write it down since I love crackfics anyway. xD I didn't trust myself to actually do Malcolm justice, so he only appears briefly. It's quite hard to even remotely replicate the creative swearing from the show (especially since English isn't my first language), so please don't expect too much. Plus everyone sounds like children. I'm really sorry, lol.

It had sounded like a really bad idea and that's exactly what it was.

They weren't even sure whose idea it was in the first place. But whatever: the top staff at DoSAC got the information that there was an upcoming team building exercise scheduled to improve their abilities to work together in stressful situations. And as if that weren't worse enough already, the exercise would not take place at the office (which would have been annoying enough, but still bearable), but in a forest.

"Fucking hell, Malcolm never told us that we would be all alone in here!", Nicola exclaimed while angrily trudging along the narrow path. And really: while Malcolm had showed them the place where the exercise was supposed to start, he himself drove away right after dropping the participants off at a muddy parking lot in the middle of nowhere. Or rather, in the middle of the forest. And worst of all, he seemed to have enjoyed it immensely. "The bastard was smirking when he got back into the car, I swear..."  
"Well, it is quite nice here, with all the birds chirping....", mused Glenn.  
Nicola was still fuming. "The fucking birds can fall out of the trees for all I care, but this is just ridiculous! How is tramping through this damn forest going to improve the government's ability to do their work?"  
"Well, my advice would be a more rational approach. You know this isn't exactly my idea of fun either, but complaining won't help much", Ollie chimed in, but he quickly decided to rather shut up when he noticed two angry glances coming his way. "Well, mister know-it-all Poxbridge boy-scout, then what would exactly help? Please enlighten us with your wisdom!"  
Ollie raised his hands in a helpless gesture. "Hey, no need to get hysteric..." But this attempt to calm Nicola down backfired.  
"I'M NOT HYSTERIC!"  
"I also think we should just calm down...", Glenn added.  
"Well, I AM fucking calm! But you two are fucking useless! Does any of you have any idea of how to orient yourself in a forest? Glenn?"  
The adressed just shrugged. "Uh, no, as you know I'm a political advisor, not some kind of woodsman. Well, when I visited my sister we did go and collected mushrooms in the forest..."  
"Well, thank you very much, I can't say I care about fucking mushrooms right now! God damnit, this is just as fun as my last vacation with my husband and the kids...only that it rained the entire week, so that might have been actually worse. Wait...it won't start raining now, will it? Oh damn, I totally jinxed it!" Nicola kept mumbling to herself and continued to follow the trail. As they walked a few metres behind Nicola, Ollie nudged Glenn with his elbow.  
"Glenn?"  
"Yeah?"  
"Let's pick some poisonous mushrooms and bring them back as souvenirs. Would be a nice gift for Malcolm!"  
Glenn sighed. "You're such a child, Ollie... If we don't get out of here soon, I will eat the mushrooms instead, poisonous or not..."  
Nicola had apparently heard him. "Well, eating a certain kind of mushrooms might make this whole enterprise more bearable. Actually, that would be an option for every day in the office too."  
Ollie made a mock horrified face. „I'm really shocked, minister!“

// Half an hour and lots of walking around (probably in circles the entire time) later //

Nicola suddenly sighed and sat down on a tree trunk lying next to the forest trail.  
"Ahhh, this is ridiculous! Who even thought of this shit? Did I change parties without noticing it? Because this sounds just like one of Stewart Pearson's dumb ideas. Find your inner stability in the forest, or something like that."  
Ollie laughed and took a seat next to Nicola. "Find your stability while losing orientation - sounds legit!"  
"I bet it was Malcolm who thought of this shit in the first place. Making this stupid exercise a living hell just for shits and giggles...I could totally imagine that."  
"Well, it could have been worse. He could have sent Jamie after us. That would have been genuinely fucking creepy, now that I think of it..." Ollie shuddered.  
"Yeah...like being lost in the jungle with a tribe of cannibals behind you!"  
"I guess you would be save anyway, there's not much on you for a cannibal to eat.", Glenn said.  
"He wouldn't want you either, Glenn, you're too old and stringy."  
Nicola made a face. "That just leaves me and I can't say I'm too keen in becoming a snack for Jamie either...or any other cannibal, that is. Wait, what am I even talking about? This shit is probably driving me insane already... Well, let's just go on."  
And they did.  
"All this talk of the jungle...I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!", Ollie exclaimed, much to Glenn's confusion. "Since when are you a celebrity? Last time I checked you were just a junior policy advisor and not a fucking film star."  
"No, it's just, I meant...ah, you know, just forget it."  
"Wait, did you refer to that TV show? Well, I knew that! I do watch TV, you know."  
"...  
Yep, alright."

// Another hour later //

"I'm just glad Phil isn't here. He would just drone on about how we're just like the Fellowship of the Ring going through Lothlorien or something.", Ollie remarked to Glenn.  
"Huh, I thought you didn't like Harry Potter?"  
"Well, I don't, cause that's a Lord of the Rings reference."  
Nicola sighed. "I wish you would finally do something useful instead of chatting about fucking films. Well, to continue with this line of thought, maybe we could ask the elves for directions....."  
Ollie chuckled, pointing at Glenn. "Oh, we don't need to, since wise old Gandalf is here with us!"  
The reference was completely lost on 'Gandalf', though. "And who is that supposed to be?"  
"Oh, forget it." Glenn looked still confused when Nicola butted in:   
"You know Ollie, I always wondered: you're surprising well-versed in these Lord of the Rings references, even though you seem to hate them so much."  
"Well, uh...it's just common knowledge?"  
"Or Phil's nerdiness is rubbing off on you."  
"Ew! Don't even fucking joke about that."

// Yet another while later (Who would bother checking the fucking time when being lost in a forest?) //

As the walked on, Ollie suddenly stopped and pulled out his phone, forcing Glenn who walked behind him to an abrupt stop. "Damn, Ollie! What are you doing? Trying to call someone for help?"  
"Yeah, no, I'll just wanted to call Terri and tell her how much fun our little hiking trip is!"  
"That's actually quite nice of you, but do you think she'd care? She was pretty happy about not having to participate because the exercise is for party personnel only. I remember her mumbling something on the phone about us, and I quote her here, 'poor fuckers' who would have to participate..."  
"She obviously wouldn't care and neither do I. What I really wanted to do is looking for a map of this bloody forest."  
"I didn't know that was possible."  
"The wonders of modern technology, huh? This stuff can also be pretty useful for the elderly! Well, but don't get your hopes up, I can't get any reception in this fucking Sherwood Forest here..."  
Ollie put the phone back in his pocket and listlessly kicked a tree root sticking out of the path. "If I knew this useless exercise would be going like this I would have ripped Malcolm's guts out and left a trail. Hansel-and-Gretel style, you know?"  
Glenn shot him an annoyed look. "First, you would have to use your own guts because we both know that you definitely don't have the balls to even attempt to rip Malcolm's guts out. And second, could you maybe stop making bloody jokes and start thinking of a solution instead?"  
"Well, what do you suggest then, o veteran of many wars? I mean, the jungle in 'Nam must have been worse than some bloody forest in England. Or rather, don't suggest anything since it'll be useless anyway and please don't tell any boring war stories."  
„They should have sent you to a war and you wouldn't be talking like that anymore, you little twit!“

After what felt like going in circles for 5 hours (and to be fair, it probably came close to that) they finally reached the seam of the forest.  
Nicola sighed. "No more fucking trees, now if that isn't a reason to celebrate!"  
"Is that where we were supposed to go?" Glenn shaded his eyes with his hand and stared into the distance, while Ollie squatted down.  
"I fucking hope it is because I just can't and won't walk another step!"  
"Oh please Ollie, you're supposed to be the youngest of us, so don't moan around like some grandpa!"  
Nicola chuckled. "He rather reminds me of a pretty whiny child. 'Mommy, are we there yet?' Just like that. I know that all too well from my own children."  
"Haha, you're right!"  
Ollie took off his glasses and rubbed his eyes. "Holy fuck, I think I wandered out of the forest and right into old people hell..."  
"Well, it's true, my dearest little Oliver!"  
"Okay, if that's a fucking family trip now...please carry me the rest of the way, grandpa Glenn! Or else I'm gonna cry!", Ollie said in a deliberately childish voice and pouted.  
"You wish, kiddo!"  
While they were still bickering Nicola had scanned their surroundings and discovered something a few hundred metres away.  
"Hey, I spot a car over there! Sweet, we're fucking saved! Does anyone know how to hot-wire a car?" Glenn and Ollie had the decency to look shocked.  
"Well, we can't do that and I can't fucking believe a minister of Her Majesty's government just made that suggestion!"  
"I will do anything to get away from bloody nature! Ollie, you'll take care of the car!"  
Ollie looked at her in disbelief. "Me? Why me?"  
"Well, a bit of violence is expected from young people. You can just claim you were drunk or on drugs or whatever."  
"Yeaaah, right...I'll just tell the police that the evil adults forced me to become a criminal."  
However, when they reached the car they were in for a surprise. Just as Ollie had picked up a stone and attempted to smash the driver's side window, Malcolm's head popped up on the other side of the car.  
"What's up, Snow White and the two twat dwarves?"  
Ollie froze, the stone still in his hand. "Christ on a bike, Malcolm! How did you get here?"  
"You know, while you were away bumbling around they invented these fucking useful things called cars! Ever heard of those?"  
"Yeah, well, that's not really the point here..." Nicola interjected.  
"Except it is! And one thing I'd like to know: what the fuck did you do all this time in there? Did you meet up with Goldilocks and had an orgy with the fucking three bears in their house, or what?"  
After this whole ordeal Ollie was apparently too annoyed to keep in mind that talking back to Malcolm was never a good idea. "Well, we tried to find a way out, which was pretty hard because a certain someone didn't even give us a map or a compass or really fucking anything!"  
"Wouldn't want to make it too easy for you suckers, get it? Also, I take back what I said: you obviously didn't meet Goldilocks, the whiniest fucking little girl around here is no one but you yourself! Now come on, Brownilocks, Mama Bear and Papa Bear, haul your asses into the car and don't stand around gaping like fucking goldfish!"  
Which they promptly did.  
"And toss that stone before getting in, or do you want to take a souvenir home from your first excursion, wee boy-scout?"  
Ollie dropped the stone with an exasperated sigh. "Not the boy-scout shit again...I should have dropped the stone on his head instead", he added low-voiced. "I heard you, you big twat! Wanna ride in the trunk instead of the backseat? Or should I tie you to the tow hitch and pull you behind the car?"   
"No, no, I'm fine..."

Malcolm started the car and as they drove off, he gave a dry laugh.  
"Well, I got to admit, I didn't expect you to ever come back. I was already really looking forward to the headlines on tomorrow's newspapers: Fucking stupid minister and her fucking incompetent advisors get lost in the forest - huge loss for the British government while the public celebrates!"  
Nicola wasn't too happy about being called stupid though. "It's just really heartwarming to see how much you care about your colleagues, Malcolm."  
Trying to get the last word was of no use though. "Fucking useless colleagues, you mean."


End file.
